Okay, rules are pretty clear. It's got to be a funny or terrifying camp site story. no wheel barrow repair stories and no repetitive/ generic pictures of the cow on the farm you work on, or anything about fixing a land rover. We all know that Toyotas don't break down, so post the incredibly tedious resale / reliability stories elsewhere.
I'll get the ball rolling....
camping 'kak' stories
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Apocalypse
- Location: Cape Town
- Posts: 809
- Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:40 pm
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Apocalypse
- Location: Cape Town
- Posts: 809
- Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:40 pm
As many will know, La Familia Apocalypse has recently survived a few disasters - notably , the house burnt down in November last year.
We were left with the clothes we wore and got the cats, dogs, kids out as well aa the Wrangler and the Defender - the Dodge was safe at the workshop. we had the important stuff.
We have 4 cats and 2 dogs and it very quickly became apparent that there aren’t too many furnished 4 bedroom places that want a short term lease and the animals (I include myself in that definition) so we decided to set up camp Apocalypse in the back yard (well, we own the adjacent plot)
What that means is, we bought a container, levelled the plot a bit, placed the container, cut 3 doors into it, fitted cheap off the shelf sliding glass doors, put up 2 dividers to give us a kitchen and 2 bedrooms (one for Yogagirl and I , one for the amazing Rubina) put a 70sqm pole and tin roof over it and the little caravan we bought for baby angel, and called it home. well, actually the official name is #shacklife, but we were back on our own property within 4 weeks and had a camping Christmas and (so far) most of 2018. It’s been brilliant in so many ways.
However, Like any camp site, ablutions are not particularly close, as the erf is not yet serviced, so we set up the bar toilet in the ruins above us as a shower and toilet. I must say, the house had / has 4 en suites and suddenly sharing a 'field bathroom' with a couple of teenage girls was quite frightening at first!
well. still is.
In addition… said loo / outdoor bar is a good 4m higher than the shack and you have to get up a bit of a ‘slippery when wet’ clay slope to get there.
anyway. We have had a fantastic time, but things took a bit of a bad turn the other day.
sadly, given the dumb **poo** I’ve done over the years, this story involves nothing dramatic. No development motor bikes or cars. no falling off horses. no landing under a 4x4 while winching it off a clifff. not even falling from a fake tall ship, and there wasn’t even booze involved.
sad
I stepped backwards and fell into my own empty pool , went down like a fat kid on a see saw and managed to summon up just enough of my erstwhile cat like reflexes to not land on my neck, which was good , but when I got up I had a second wrist on my left arm.
I decided that must be sore, but would get worse, so I pulled it straight. the builder went pale and I suggested he sit down before he fainted. bloody millennials.
I got one of the lads to recover my phone from the 6” of water at the bottom of the pool that had entirely failed to break my fall, and - yay for iPhone x - it still worked! I got someone to hold it up to my rather ugly mug to unlock it and got them to call the paramedics.
A rather long yet painful story later , I had a bit of tin and a few tekscrews installed in my forearm at MMMOOOOHAAASIVE expense and the good doctor gave me some top notch painkillers, and let me go home.
On top of the properly broken arm I’d also managed to badly twist my elbow and fracture a rib or possibly 2. In all honesty, until they shoved me full of painkillers, it hurt to breath so much I thought I was not long for this world. the ribs hurt way worse than the wrist , and , to boot, as the broken arm is so weak, the only way to actually sit up is to use the good old intercostals. moving , pooing, farting, sneezing, laughing , breathing, all became agony. So I was very happy about the big box of painkillers they handed me on departure.
Now, what they don’t tell you about Opiate based painkillers, is that while they do take away the pain, they also take away your ability to **poo**.
that wasn’t initially a problem, as, given the state of my ribs I was terrified of farting, never mind an actual full on eyeball bulging defalcation.
but after 3 days one starts to get a bit worried at the lack of morning poo. It’s not like it’s not there, it’s just that the passage way is closed.
Anyway.
Turns out the only way to release the turd is to let the painkillers wear off.
At that point I was taking tabs every 6 hours to stay sane, so I had to do the whole cold turkey thing.
All seemed well for a while…. the pain wasn’t coming back….
the other thing they don’t tell you is that these painkillers don’t wear off slowly. they just suddenly stop working.
So suddenly, it feels like you’ve been thrown to the ground and had a good kicking. The Arm , leg ribs are all screaming in agony and I can’t even breath.
And, a couple feet lower down old Mnr. Skilpad suddenly decides to stick out his head.
Jirre!!!!
Mnr Skilpad se kop is right out immediatley, touching cloth. and the Cape Weather has decided to make up for last years drought and it’s pissing down.
I Make a dash for the slippery slope and I don’t even know what to try and clutch in the agony. Arm?, ribs?, elbow?, or try and shove Mr.Skilpad back into his shell?!??!?
it was a very low point in my life.
Get to the toilet and it’s ‘occupied’
GET OUT OF THERE YOU LITTLE SOD OR I”LL BASH THE DOOR DOWN!!!”
Then, and only then, as you take up position on the porcelain throne do you realise the enormity of the problem.
Right behind Mr. Skilpad se kop is an entire hard shelled reptilian thing that has been hanging around since the beginning of time trying to get out. the head is not worth mentioning compared to the solid lump behind it.
my left arm is completely useless. I can’t grab hold of the seat and push with both hands and one hand just doesn’t cut it, and to boot, it seems that the rib bone is connected to the sphincter, any kind of effort in the nether regions results in screaming pain down the entire left hand side of the body.
That damn thing was like trying to get the jeep down a track built for a jimny. Basically there was a bulldozer in town and it just demolished everything on either side to allow something to pass that is so big it should never have attempted the obstacle in the first place. you just sit there with the tears running down your face and let it slowly destroy everything in it’s path.
I was starting to panic. Would my butthole ever seal properly again? how could it possibly recover from this abuse? Would I drown from the bottom up when I next bathe? I think I lost about 4kg. certainly , after I’d flushed the mean sea level of the Cape was a good inch higher. I can now entirely sympathise with birthing women who scream for an epidural.
My bottom may never be the same again.
Anyway, the next problem is that the cursed Opoid medication takes about 2 hours to kick in. so, my wrist elbow and ribs spend 2 hours reminding me what an absolute box I am for causing myself such a stupid and massive injury, but in the interim, I cannot even sit down because my bunghole has been so thoroughly violated.
Jirre.
We were left with the clothes we wore and got the cats, dogs, kids out as well aa the Wrangler and the Defender - the Dodge was safe at the workshop. we had the important stuff.
We have 4 cats and 2 dogs and it very quickly became apparent that there aren’t too many furnished 4 bedroom places that want a short term lease and the animals (I include myself in that definition) so we decided to set up camp Apocalypse in the back yard (well, we own the adjacent plot)
What that means is, we bought a container, levelled the plot a bit, placed the container, cut 3 doors into it, fitted cheap off the shelf sliding glass doors, put up 2 dividers to give us a kitchen and 2 bedrooms (one for Yogagirl and I , one for the amazing Rubina) put a 70sqm pole and tin roof over it and the little caravan we bought for baby angel, and called it home. well, actually the official name is #shacklife, but we were back on our own property within 4 weeks and had a camping Christmas and (so far) most of 2018. It’s been brilliant in so many ways.
However, Like any camp site, ablutions are not particularly close, as the erf is not yet serviced, so we set up the bar toilet in the ruins above us as a shower and toilet. I must say, the house had / has 4 en suites and suddenly sharing a 'field bathroom' with a couple of teenage girls was quite frightening at first!
well. still is.
In addition… said loo / outdoor bar is a good 4m higher than the shack and you have to get up a bit of a ‘slippery when wet’ clay slope to get there.
anyway. We have had a fantastic time, but things took a bit of a bad turn the other day.
sadly, given the dumb **poo** I’ve done over the years, this story involves nothing dramatic. No development motor bikes or cars. no falling off horses. no landing under a 4x4 while winching it off a clifff. not even falling from a fake tall ship, and there wasn’t even booze involved.
sad
I stepped backwards and fell into my own empty pool , went down like a fat kid on a see saw and managed to summon up just enough of my erstwhile cat like reflexes to not land on my neck, which was good , but when I got up I had a second wrist on my left arm.
I decided that must be sore, but would get worse, so I pulled it straight. the builder went pale and I suggested he sit down before he fainted. bloody millennials.
I got one of the lads to recover my phone from the 6” of water at the bottom of the pool that had entirely failed to break my fall, and - yay for iPhone x - it still worked! I got someone to hold it up to my rather ugly mug to unlock it and got them to call the paramedics.
A rather long yet painful story later , I had a bit of tin and a few tekscrews installed in my forearm at MMMOOOOHAAASIVE expense and the good doctor gave me some top notch painkillers, and let me go home.
On top of the properly broken arm I’d also managed to badly twist my elbow and fracture a rib or possibly 2. In all honesty, until they shoved me full of painkillers, it hurt to breath so much I thought I was not long for this world. the ribs hurt way worse than the wrist , and , to boot, as the broken arm is so weak, the only way to actually sit up is to use the good old intercostals. moving , pooing, farting, sneezing, laughing , breathing, all became agony. So I was very happy about the big box of painkillers they handed me on departure.
Now, what they don’t tell you about Opiate based painkillers, is that while they do take away the pain, they also take away your ability to **poo**.
that wasn’t initially a problem, as, given the state of my ribs I was terrified of farting, never mind an actual full on eyeball bulging defalcation.
but after 3 days one starts to get a bit worried at the lack of morning poo. It’s not like it’s not there, it’s just that the passage way is closed.
Anyway.
Turns out the only way to release the turd is to let the painkillers wear off.
At that point I was taking tabs every 6 hours to stay sane, so I had to do the whole cold turkey thing.
All seemed well for a while…. the pain wasn’t coming back….
the other thing they don’t tell you is that these painkillers don’t wear off slowly. they just suddenly stop working.
So suddenly, it feels like you’ve been thrown to the ground and had a good kicking. The Arm , leg ribs are all screaming in agony and I can’t even breath.
And, a couple feet lower down old Mnr. Skilpad suddenly decides to stick out his head.
Jirre!!!!
Mnr Skilpad se kop is right out immediatley, touching cloth. and the Cape Weather has decided to make up for last years drought and it’s pissing down.
I Make a dash for the slippery slope and I don’t even know what to try and clutch in the agony. Arm?, ribs?, elbow?, or try and shove Mr.Skilpad back into his shell?!??!?
it was a very low point in my life.
Get to the toilet and it’s ‘occupied’
GET OUT OF THERE YOU LITTLE SOD OR I”LL BASH THE DOOR DOWN!!!”
Then, and only then, as you take up position on the porcelain throne do you realise the enormity of the problem.
Right behind Mr. Skilpad se kop is an entire hard shelled reptilian thing that has been hanging around since the beginning of time trying to get out. the head is not worth mentioning compared to the solid lump behind it.
my left arm is completely useless. I can’t grab hold of the seat and push with both hands and one hand just doesn’t cut it, and to boot, it seems that the rib bone is connected to the sphincter, any kind of effort in the nether regions results in screaming pain down the entire left hand side of the body.
That damn thing was like trying to get the jeep down a track built for a jimny. Basically there was a bulldozer in town and it just demolished everything on either side to allow something to pass that is so big it should never have attempted the obstacle in the first place. you just sit there with the tears running down your face and let it slowly destroy everything in it’s path.
I was starting to panic. Would my butthole ever seal properly again? how could it possibly recover from this abuse? Would I drown from the bottom up when I next bathe? I think I lost about 4kg. certainly , after I’d flushed the mean sea level of the Cape was a good inch higher. I can now entirely sympathise with birthing women who scream for an epidural.
My bottom may never be the same again.
Anyway, the next problem is that the cursed Opoid medication takes about 2 hours to kick in. so, my wrist elbow and ribs spend 2 hours reminding me what an absolute box I am for causing myself such a stupid and massive injury, but in the interim, I cannot even sit down because my bunghole has been so thoroughly violated.
Jirre.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes
You explained it very well 
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Oppies3800
- Location: Cape Town
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What a shitty subject...
Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
Could this be sarcasm?
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Nico-MAD
- Location: Alberton
- Posts: 254
- Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2018 6:39 am
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ThysleRoux
- Location: Cape Town
- Been thanked: 1 time
- Posts: 949
- Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:32 pm
I refuse to be POLITICALLY CORRECT to impress others - Deal with it
FLEX is UNDERRATED
FLEX is UNDERRATED
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Chopped
- Location: Ekurhuleni
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2018 11:05 pm
Alex, I am so sorry to read this. I know that behind the humour is a lot of pain. Having said that, I was chuckling so much while I was reading this. You do have a way with words Sir.
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Mike Nel
- Location: Cape Town
- Has thanked: 43 times
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- Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:22 am
We were doing a Koichab Dunes trip 2017 somewhere, just the boys. So you know trouble is only n half bottle of Klippies away.
Into day 2, things get a bit boring. Yes. Everybody drove Toyota.
Everybody used VHf radios except one guy, so we all chatted and decided to play a prank on him at the next stop. We stopped and I took him away from the vehicles to go and “chat a bit about life”
Back in the vehicles and driving it’s not long when you see the guy fling open his door and check to see whats going on underneath his vehicle. He says he hears a noise. Not spotting anything wrong he starts driving again only to stop almost immediately. By now he’s got 2 cigarettes in his mouth. He also stresses because his Insurance won’t recover his vehicle, should something happen. Everybody tells him that if the vehicle breaks, it stays behind.
So. Cable ties around the propshaft hidden away so well makes for an uncomfortable day in the dunes. He was mighty relieved to hear this and started hitting the Klippies as soon as we set up camp
By 7pm he was man down. Halfway up the ladder of his RTT he falls down into the sand and we had to help him into his tent.
Next morning we woke up to see a few verticle sand lines down his vehicle, much like the Claws feom the Monster energy drink, inline with the door of the RTT. Obviously to drunk and to lazy to get out of his tent, he decided to take a piss from within his tent. Some sand blew onto his vehicle and stuck to the piss down the side doors
Luckily he took the whole 24hrs with good spirit and till today when we see each other, we still chuckle about that day. The women obviously doesn’t think it’s funny
Into day 2, things get a bit boring. Yes. Everybody drove Toyota.
Everybody used VHf radios except one guy, so we all chatted and decided to play a prank on him at the next stop. We stopped and I took him away from the vehicles to go and “chat a bit about life”
Back in the vehicles and driving it’s not long when you see the guy fling open his door and check to see whats going on underneath his vehicle. He says he hears a noise. Not spotting anything wrong he starts driving again only to stop almost immediately. By now he’s got 2 cigarettes in his mouth. He also stresses because his Insurance won’t recover his vehicle, should something happen. Everybody tells him that if the vehicle breaks, it stays behind.
So. Cable ties around the propshaft hidden away so well makes for an uncomfortable day in the dunes. He was mighty relieved to hear this and started hitting the Klippies as soon as we set up camp
By 7pm he was man down. Halfway up the ladder of his RTT he falls down into the sand and we had to help him into his tent.
Next morning we woke up to see a few verticle sand lines down his vehicle, much like the Claws feom the Monster energy drink, inline with the door of the RTT. Obviously to drunk and to lazy to get out of his tent, he decided to take a piss from within his tent. Some sand blew onto his vehicle and stuck to the piss down the side doors
Luckily he took the whole 24hrs with good spirit and till today when we see each other, we still chuckle about that day. The women obviously doesn’t think it’s funny
2017 Land Cruiser 200
2022 Corolla Cross (Yes. It's a Hybrid)
BushLapa Ratel nr 731
2022 Corolla Cross (Yes. It's a Hybrid)
BushLapa Ratel nr 731
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Apocalypse
- Location: Cape Town
- Posts: 809
- Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:40 pm
Mike Nel wrote: ↑Mon Sep 24, 2018 8:02 amWe were doing a Koichab Dunes trip 2017 somewhere, just the boys. So you know trouble is only n half bottle of Klippies away.
Into day 2, things get a bit boring. Yes. Everybody drove Toyota.
Everybody used VHf radios except one guy, so we all chatted and decided to play a prank on him at the next stop. We stopped and I took him away from the vehicles to go and “chat a bit about life”
Back in the vehicles and driving it’s not long when you see the guy fling open his door and check to see whats going on underneath his vehicle. He says he hears a noise. Not spotting anything wrong he starts driving again only to stop almost immediately. By now he’s got 2 cigarettes in his mouth. He also stresses because his Insurance won’t recover his vehicle, should something happen. Everybody tells him that if the vehicle breaks, it stays behind.
So. Cable ties around the propshaft hidden away so well makes for an uncomfortable day in the dunes. He was mighty relieved to hear this and started hitting the Klippies as soon as we set up camp
By 7pm he was man down. Halfway up the ladder of his RTT he falls down into the sand and we had to help him into his tent.
Next morning we woke up to see a few verticle sand lines down his vehicle, much like the Claws feom the Monster energy drink, inline with the door of the RTT. Obviously to drunk and to lazy to get out of his tent, he decided to take a piss from within his tent. Some sand blew onto his vehicle and stuck to the piss down the side doors
Luckily he took the whole 24hrs with good spirit and till today when we see each other, we still chuckle about that day. The women obviously doesn’t think it’s funny
You guys really took the piss!
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes
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Mike Nel
- Location: Cape Town
- Has thanked: 43 times
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- Posts: 1460
- Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:22 am
Just to equal it out a bit. This one happened to me.
We go camping. This is pre-swambo times. There is this chick I like, but like a lot. Man. I want to get my leg over. I like her that much. She invites me to go camping with her friends ( I didn’t like her friends)
On this camping weekend they want to go hiking ( till today I hate hiking. You will know why soon).
Me, still wanting to get my leg over, agrees to this activities.
I am fit and strong, but halfway through this hike I am laboring, but seriously tired. Not wanting to show her that I am out of gas, I continue till the end. I barely made it back to camp.
Made it back to camp, crack open a Diet Coke, sit around the fire and watch them unpack my backpack. They took out about 500kg’s worth of bricks. Well maybe not 500kg’s, but pretty damn close.
Ohhh. And I didn’t get my leg over that weekend. She tried to but I was mad at her
2017 Land Cruiser 200
2022 Corolla Cross (Yes. It's a Hybrid)
BushLapa Ratel nr 731
2022 Corolla Cross (Yes. It's a Hybrid)
BushLapa Ratel nr 731
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Apocalypse
- Location: Cape Town
- Posts: 809
- Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:40 pm
Mike Nel wrote: ↑Mon Sep 24, 2018 5:17 pmJust to equal it out a bit. This one happened to me.
We go camping. This is pre-swambo times. There is this chick I like, but like a lot. Man. I want to get my leg over. I like her that much. She invites me to go camping with her friends ( I didn’t like her friends)
On this camping weekend they want to go hiking ( till today I hate hiking. You will know why soon).
Me, still wanting to get my leg over, agrees to this activities.
I am fit and strong, but halfway through this hike I am laboring, but seriously tired. Not wanting to show her that I am out of gas, I continue till the end. I barely made it back to camp.
Made it back to camp, crack open a Diet Coke, sit around the fire and watch them unpack my backpack. They took out about 500kg’s worth of bricks. Well maybe not 500kg’s, but pretty damn close.
Ohhh. And I didn’t get my leg over that weekend. She tried to but I was mad at her
You may not have gotten laid.
But it seems you were screwed!
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes
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Apocalypse
- Location: Cape Town
- Posts: 809
- Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:40 pm
Wait.
I have a question.
How can anyone be so butthurt they turn down sex while single?
That’s a lot of butthurt to carry around dude.
Sounds like the bricks were lighter!!!
I have a question.
How can anyone be so butthurt they turn down sex while single?
That’s a lot of butthurt to carry around dude.
Sounds like the bricks were lighter!!!
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes
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Mike Nel
- Location: Cape Town
- Has thanked: 43 times
- Been thanked: 81 times
- Posts: 1460
- Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:22 am
Something I rectified the next morningApocalypse wrote: ↑Mon Sep 24, 2018 6:08 pmWait.
I have a question.
How can anyone be so butthurt they turn down sex while single?
That’s a lot of butthurt to carry around dude.
Sounds like the bricks were lighter!!!
2017 Land Cruiser 200
2022 Corolla Cross (Yes. It's a Hybrid)
BushLapa Ratel nr 731
2022 Corolla Cross (Yes. It's a Hybrid)
BushLapa Ratel nr 731
-
Apocalypse
- Location: Cape Town
- Posts: 809
- Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2018 2:40 pm
Glad to hear it . I was concerned about you for a moment there!
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes