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The comic relief thread ...

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Apocalypse
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The comic relief thread ...

#1

Post by Apocalypse »

We all need a little laugh from time to time.

So the jokes and at least partially relevant memes thread .

If I may make a few rules to keep it reasonably inoffensive .

No porn

No religious jokes

No overly political posts - satire is welcome but keep it clean

Try not to reply to a post unless your response is extremely funny and adds to the humour .
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Apocalypse
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#2

Post by Apocalypse »

Allow me to begin ...


Manny... ⬇️

It’s you, isn’t it ?
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#3

Post by Paul#25 »

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#4

Post by KurtG »

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#5

Post by henris »

Meeste van ons kan seker hiermee identifiseer.

DIE LEEUS VAN FORT DOPPIES

Pik se groot skrik vir ‘n leeu by die toilet van Fort Doppies, ’n hoogs geheime weermagbasis in die smal Caprivistrook aan die Kwandorivier net anderkant die brug by Kongola, is in kommentare op my vorige inskrywing oor ‘n besoek aan die kamp geboekstaaf ("ORDE VAN FORT DOPPIES"). .

Of Pik se leeu die halfmak Terrie (Teddy), gelukbringer van Fort Doppies en speelmaat van die Recces, was of dalk ‘n wilde leeu is ‘n vraag wat ruimte vir bespiegeling laat. Hoe ook al, Terrie (Teddy) se avonture is klaarblyklik ‘n ryke bron van anekdotes uit die Bosoorlog. Moenie vergeet wat hy was nie: ‘n uitgegroeide maanhaar wat ewe tuis was in die bos as tussen die manne, wat wat saam in die rivier baljaar en saam gebraai het, en wat lief was om snags op slapendes se beddens te spring.

Moet ook nie vergeet nie dat hy lank nie die enigste leeu in die kontrei was nie. Bloedstollende identiteitsvergissings het van tyd tot tyd voorgekom.

Ek het op die internet gaan rondkrap en vertel graag vandag vier leeustories wat ek daar teëgekom het – met verskuldige dank aan die bronne wat nie altyd so maklik herkenbaar is nie. My stories handel oor ’n sjef se skrik by die einste toilet, ‘n ou wat Terrie (Teddy) gegryp het waar hy nie moes nie, ‘n jong soldaat se misgissing met Terrie (Teddy) se identiteit, en ‘n nagtelike petalje met ‘n “pienk vark” wat toe nie ‘n pienk vark was nie.

Die sjef se skrik was op sy heel eerste aand in die kamp. Elke ses maande is die afgesonderde Fort Doppies se logistiek geruil. Hy was lid van die vars span. Een van die ou hande moet hulle toe oor al die moets en moenies die leviete voorlees. Hulle word onder meer ingelig dat geen troeteldiere (lees mak gemaakte wilde diere) of honde in die kamp toegelaat word nie, omdat die luiperds hulle vreet.

Die aand hang die sjef uit met sy kos. Hy weet mos hoe belangrik eerste indrukke is. Terwyl die manne nog sit en smul, kom die sjef die eetsaal ingestorm, sy mond en ander dinge wawyd oop. Hy hang as’t ware ook op ‘n ander manier uit. Hulle kry geen woord uit hom uit nie, en neem dadelik hul verdedigingsposisies in.

Ná 'n paar Red Hearts (dis rum vir diegene wat nie weet nie) kom hy tot bedaring. Hy vertel stotterend dat hy ‘n nood ontwikkel het. Hy gaan gebruik toe die “lelie”, ‘n veldurinaal. Terwyl hy in die donkerte daar staan, kom staan 'n hond langs hom. Hy hy vryf sy kop. Toe onthou hy meteens: maar hier is mos geen honde nie. Toe hy afkyk, sien hy dis 'n leeu wie se kop hy staan en vryf. Dit was sy eerste kennismaking met Terrie (of Teddy).

Die grypstorie was een aand by die voltooing van ‘n kursus. By sulke geleenthede is die kroeg oopgegooi. Een ou wat besonder lekker gekuier het, was bekend as ‘n akrobaat. Op pad terug hutte toe laat hy hom ompraat om gou weer sy slag op die trampolien te wys. Hy doen dit in styl. Met sy pet agterstevoor op sy kop, ‘n sigaret wat by sy mond uithang, en hande diep in sy sake doen hy sy salto’s en dubbelsalto’s dat almal se monde oophang.

Die volgende oomblik hier stap Terrie (Teddy) verby. Die akrobaat sien hom, spring af grond toe en gryp die leeu. Met sy een hand pluk hy hom aan sy stert en met die ander op die sensitiefste van sensitiewe plekke. Hy gee dit ‘n draai. Dit het leeu se kind nie verwag nie. Hy reageer met ‘n bose brul en laat vat deur die lae bosse met die waaghals wat verbete bly vasklou.

Een aand kry ‘n nuweling die opdrag om vir Terrie (Teddy) te gaan kos gee, want wanneer hy in residensie was, is hy goed gevoed. Min lus vir die taak, vat hy die kos en gaan soek die leeu, wat hy nie ver van Fort Doppies se hek aantref nie. Terrie (Teddy) was allermins in ‘n goeie bui. Hy grom vir die weldoener en kap met sy voorpoot na die indringer. Die leeu se ergerlike gedrag maak dié ook net al hoe grimmiger. Hy gooi die vleis vir die leeu pleks om dit reg voor hom te gaan neersit soos die gebruik was. Daarop staan hy rukkie op die kwaai leeu en skree.

Hy stap toe terug kroeg toe – waar Terrie (Teddy) rustig by die voete van die ander manne lê. Hy het pas ‘n wilde leeu gevoer.

Een van die manne, Mac Maclaren, vertel tydens ‘n oorlewingskursus langs die Kwando, het hy en ene Rieme ‘n “bivvie” gedeel. ‘n “Bivvie” was ‘n hutjie wat van gras en skoonma-se-tong- tou aan mekaar geflans is. Mac en Rieme was albei goed met die stel van strikke en wippe. Een oggend vang hulle ‘n haas. Hulle besluit om die haas te vlek en op te hang, omdat hulle nog genoeg vis en houtwurms gehad het om te eet.

Daardie nag jaag die instrukteurs hulle goed rond. Hulle kom toe so nege-uur in die kooi. Mac slap slaap lekker en droom van die pienk varke wat hulle op die plaas gehad het. Hy skrik wakker met 'n “pienk vark” wat sy haas lê en vreet net buite die “bivvie”. Hy vlieg op en skreeu vir Rieme dat 'n vark besig is om hul haas te vreet. Die twee gryp hul kieries en takel die vark. Hulle kry paar 'n lekker paar houe in terwyl die “vark die hasepad kies.

Die volgende oggend kom maak die “sammajoor” hulle wakker en vra bekommerd of als reg is. Ja, sê hulle, hier was net 'n lastige vark wat gepla het. Met dié besef hulle meteens dat daar nie varke is nie. Hulle raak yskoud toe hulle die leeuwyfie se spore sien en die merke waar sy gelê het. Die arme leeu – nie Terrie (Teddy) nie! - het haar seker boeglam geskrik. Mac en Rieme het nog lank die bewerasies gehad nadat hulle tyd gehad het om mooi oor alles te dink.
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#6

Post by CornellMans »

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#7

Post by Paul#25 »

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#8

Post by Mad Manny »

Paul, Manors are very nice houses in England owned by those with titles.

I think the retard who made the meme meant 'Manners' ?
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#9

Post by Ricof4e »

After many weeks of his wife missing, Mike is arrested and charged with murder.

At least Mike was clever enough to know that if the Police can't find the body, it would be very difficult to prove his guilt. He just needs to create some doubt in the jurors' minds.

Come trial day, Mike is asked to plead and he pleads "not guilty".

His opening statement was as follows:
"Your Honour, members of the jury, I am an innocent man! Within the next 5 minutes, you will witness my wife walking through these court room doors."

So the judge, jury and gallery all turned to the doors and watched in anticipation for 5 minutes long.

His wife never walked through those doors.

"What is the meaning of this?" asked the judge.

"Reasonable doubt your Honour. For every man and woman that watched the door had doubts about my guilt" says Mike.

"GUILTY!" shouts the judge.

Perplexed, Mike asks why.

"Because you were the only one that did not turn around to watch the door".
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#10

Post by Apocalypse »

Ricoffy wrote:
Fri Apr 09, 2021 2:33 pm
After many weeks of his wife missing, Mike is arrested and charged with murder.

At least Mike was clever enough to know that if the Police can't find the body, it would be very difficult to prove his guilt. He just needs to create some doubt in the jurors' minds.

Come trial day, Mike is asked to plead and he pleads "not guilty".

His opening statement was as follows:
"Your Honour, members of the jury, I am an innocent man! Within the next 5 minutes, you will witness my wife walking through these court room doors."

So the judge, jury and gallery all turned to the doors and watched in anticipation for 5 minutes long.

His wife never walked through those doors.

"What is the meaning of this?" asked the judge.

"Reasonable doubt your Honour. For every man and woman that watched the door had doubts about my guilt" says Mike.

"GUILTY!" shouts the judge.

Perplexed, Mike asks why.

"Because you were the only one that did not turn around to watch the door".
He must have had a bad lawyer 🤣
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#11

Post by Apocalypse »

Real life
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#12

Post by Hyades »

Well...
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#13

Post by Hyades »

Well...
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#14

Post by Hyades »

Well...
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#15

Post by Hyades »

Well...
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