camping 'kak' stories

[HenriSteyn]

Rectified what? The bricks or the leg over bit?

[Mike Nel]

Rectified what? The bricks or the leg over bit?

n Man is mos nie n klip nie

[ThysleRoux]

Rectified what? The bricks or the leg over bit?

n Man is mos nie n klip nie

Hy dra net klippe in die berge rond ......................

[Johannes]

Ja , baie het al daai triek met my probeer . Dit werk nie met my nie !! Seker omdat ek n lui mens is As n sak swaar voel , dan sit ek hom neer en pak uit Selfs in weermag . Ek dra nie onnodige gewig nie

[NEW]

As many will know, La Familia Apocalypse has recently survived a few disasters - notably , the house burnt down in November last year.

We were left with the clothes we wore and got the cats, dogs, kids out as well aa the Wrangler and the Defender - the Dodge was safe at the workshop. we had the important stuff.

We have 4 cats and 2 dogs and it very quickly became apparent that there aren’t too many furnished 4 bedroom places that want a short term lease and the animals (I include myself in that definition) so we decided to set up camp Apocalypse in the back yard (well, we own the adjacent plot)

What that means is, we bought a container, levelled the plot a bit, placed the container, cut 3 doors into it, fitted cheap off the shelf sliding glass doors, put up 2 dividers to give us a kitchen and 2 bedrooms (one for Yogagirl and I , one for the amazing Rubina) put a 70sqm pole and tin roof over it and the little caravan we bought for baby angel, and called it home. well, actually the official name is #shacklife, but we were back on our own property within 4 weeks and had a camping Christmas and (so far) most of 2018. It’s been brilliant in so many ways.

However, Like any camp site, ablutions are not particularly close, as the erf is not yet serviced, so we set up the bar toilet in the ruins above us as a shower and toilet. I must say, the house had / has 4 en suites and suddenly sharing a 'field bathroom' with a couple of teenage girls was quite frightening at first!

well. still is.

In addition… said loo / outdoor bar is a good 4m higher than the shack and you have to get up a bit of a ‘slippery when wet’ clay slope to get there.

anyway. We have had a fantastic time, but things took a bit of a bad turn the other day.

sadly, given the dumb **poo** I’ve done over the years, this story involves nothing dramatic. No development motor bikes or cars. no falling off horses. no landing under a 4x4 while winching it off a clifff. not even falling from a fake tall ship, and there wasn’t even booze involved.

sad

I stepped backwards and fell into my own empty pool , went down like a fat kid on a see saw and managed to summon up just enough of my erstwhile cat like reflexes to not land on my neck, which was good , but when I got up I had a second wrist on my left arm.

I decided that must be sore, but would get worse, so I pulled it straight. the builder went pale and I suggested he sit down before he fainted. bloody millennials.

I got one of the lads to recover my phone from the 6” of water at the bottom of the pool that had entirely failed to break my fall, and - yay for iPhone x - it still worked! I got someone to hold it up to my rather ugly mug to unlock it and got them to call the paramedics.

A rather long yet painful story later , I had a bit of tin and a few tekscrews installed in my forearm at MMMOOOOHAAASIVE expense and the good doctor gave me some top notch painkillers, and let me go home.

On top of the properly broken arm I’d also managed to badly twist my elbow and fracture a rib or possibly 2. In all honesty, until they shoved me full of painkillers, it hurt to breath so much I thought I was not long for this world. the ribs hurt way worse than the wrist , and , to boot, as the broken arm is so weak, the only way to actually sit up is to use the good old intercostals. moving , pooing, farting, sneezing, laughing , breathing, all became agony. So I was very happy about the big box of painkillers they handed me on departure.

Now, what they don’t tell you about Opiate based painkillers, is that while they do take away the pain, they also take away your ability to **poo**.

that wasn’t initially a problem, as, given the state of my ribs I was terrified of farting, never mind an actual full on eyeball bulging defalcation.

but after 3 days one starts to get a bit worried at the lack of morning poo. It’s not like it’s not there, it’s just that the passage way is closed.

Anyway.

Turns out the only way to release the turd is to let the painkillers wear off.

At that point I was taking tabs every 6 hours to stay sane, so I had to do the whole cold turkey thing.

All seemed well for a while…. the pain wasn’t coming back….

the other thing they don’t tell you is that these painkillers don’t wear off slowly. they just suddenly stop working.

So suddenly, it feels like you’ve been thrown to the ground and had a good kicking. The Arm , leg ribs are all screaming in agony and I can’t even breath.

And, a couple feet lower down old Mnr. Skilpad suddenly decides to stick out his head.

Jirre!!!!

Mnr Skilpad se kop is right out immediatley, touching cloth. and the Cape Weather has decided to make up for last years drought and it’s pissing down.

I Make a dash for the slippery slope and I don’t even know what to try and clutch in the agony. Arm?, ribs?, elbow?, or try and shove Mr.Skilpad back into his shell?!??!?

it was a very low point in my life.

Get to the toilet and it’s ‘occupied’

GET OUT OF THERE YOU LITTLE SOD OR I”LL BASH THE DOOR DOWN!!!”

Then, and only then, as you take up position on the porcelain throne do you realise the enormity of the problem.

Right behind Mr. Skilpad se kop is an entire hard shelled reptilian thing that has been hanging around since the beginning of time trying to get out. the head is not worth mentioning compared to the solid lump behind it.

my left arm is completely useless. I can’t grab hold of the seat and push with both hands and one hand just doesn’t cut it, and to boot, it seems that the rib bone is connected to the sphincter, any kind of effort in the nether regions results in screaming pain down the entire left hand side of the body.

That damn thing was like trying to get the jeep down a track built for a jimny. Basically there was a bulldozer in town and it just demolished everything on either side to allow something to pass that is so big it should never have attempted the obstacle in the first place. you just sit there with the tears running down your face and let it slowly destroy everything in it’s path.

I was starting to panic. Would my butthole ever seal properly again? how could it possibly recover from this abuse? Would I drown from the bottom up when I next bathe? I think I lost about 4kg. certainly , after I’d flushed the mean sea level of the Cape was a good inch higher. I can now entirely sympathise with birthing women who scream for an epidural.

My bottom may never be the same again.

Anyway, the next problem is that the cursed Opoid medication takes about 2 hours to kick in. so, my wrist elbow and ribs spend 2 hours reminding me what an absolute box I am for causing myself such a stupid and massive injury, but in the interim, I cannot even sit down because my bunghole has been so thoroughly violated.

Jirre.

Ai.... Genade, the shizny just keep on hitting. Hopefully that is three disasters gone! One, the fire, two, the fall and broken arm and three getting a "Three o'clock and and seven o'clock" tear in the rectum, as a police docket would read, after giving birth to one of the ninja turtles. If only you could have gone Cesarean! Hope your luck turns around now.....

[Mike Nel]

This happened at a very well known Campsite near Porterville. The place is called Beaverlac.

Now for you who have been there before would know that the owners are extremely strict when it comes to noise. Rightly so

22h00. And the VW Dub Club arrives. How the hell they got there with those GTi's ( And no. It's not Amaroks) is a mystery on its own but anyway. Music pumping ( Big mistake), boot open with coolers full of Black Labels. Jou Ma se P hier en jou Tannie se P daar. Hel man. I swear they only knew two sentences

22h10. Oom Kamp arrives, but he is very die mo#r in. Obviously, because there is a STRICT NO MUSIC POLICY. The Dub Club tells him that they would turn the music down. Oom Kamp would have nothing of it and tells them to turn it off and keep noise to 2 Decibels. If not, it would be their shortest camp ever. Right. Music stops

22h20. Music comes on again, but not as loud as before.

22h25. Oom Kamp arrives again. More die Mo#r in than the first time. He carries a ax with him. We see him whisper something into one okes ear.

22h35. Dub Club drives out the gate.

Till today I wonder what Oom Kamp told that oke whilst holding onto his ax. But I can tell you this much. I was afraid to fart out loud that weekend

[BushWacker]

Tierhook in the Richtersveld ...

Probably the most calm and restful
depositions Ive had the pleasure doing ...
a staking of territory of sorts ...

https://ibb.co/ds7dRp

[HenriSteyn]

Ok this is mine.
We spend 2 nights at Spitzkoppe in Nam.
For those who dont know they only have long drops.
Now SWAMBO and long drops do not go down well.
So I convince her that it is a new long drop which it was, having been constructed in Feb 2018. And that it is now some sort of chemically treated one that does not pong.
That sort of goes down well for the 2 days.
But these things happen and skidmarks do appear even as hard as we try to aim directly down.
I decide to go and clean the skidmarks. I recon hot water from the kettle aimed the the skidmarks by pointing the spout at them will be most effective.
So here we go: Aim, pour and bullseye. The lid of the kettle does not even touch the sides of the chute.
I recon I can get it out. SWAMBO just heaves when I suggest this.
That kettle is about 50 years old. Handed down from my parents camping days.
It is topless now

[BushWacker]

magnet on string ...
then immerse/wash jayes, dettol, etc
then place in fire coals etc ??

I never use long drops anymore
... if I have the choice - use my throne.

[BushWacker]

... at the Tierkloof site ...

the long-drop itself was caving in
as the concrete apron foundation
was probly a bit thin...


https://ibb.co/kArx2U


PS
... when camping of course always strike camp
upwind and away from such repositories ...

[HenriSteyn]

magnet on string ...
then immerse/wash jayes, dettol, etc
then place in fire coals etc ??

I never use long drops anymore
... if I have the choice - use my throne.

You try sell that to SWAMBO. But stand away from her as you may just get a green coat

[HenriSteyn]

... at the Tierkloof site ...

the long-drop itself was caving in
as the concrete apron foundation
was probly a bit thin...


https://ibb.co/kArx2U
Skewe kak. Won't work.

PS
... when camping of course always strike camp
upwind and away from such repositories ...

[Apocalypse]

Ok this is mine.
We spend 2 nights at Spitzkoppe in Nam.
For those who dont know they only have long drops.
Now SWAMBO and long drops do not go down well.
So I convince her that it is a new long drop which it was, having been constructed in Feb 2018. And that it is now some sort of chemically treated one that does not pong.
That sort of goes down well for the 2 days.
But these things happen and skidmarks do appear even as hard as we try to aim directly down.
I decide to go and clean the skidmarks. I recon hot water from the kettle aimed the the skidmarks by pointing the spout at them will be most effective.
So here we go: Aim, pour and bullseye. The lid of the kettle does not even touch the sides of the chute.
I recon I can get it out. SWAMBO just heaves when I suggest this.
That kettle is about 50 years old. Handed down from my parents camping days.
It is topless now

wahahahahahha!!!

damn, thats rough! A less understanding SWAMBO would have sent you down!

[HenriSteyn]

Yeah I think she is normal hahahaha.
So. Anybody have a kettle top lying around? Will pay a fair price for an antique. Any condition and colour will do. I will pay delivery costs.
Cheers

[ThysleRoux]

Alex's story came to mind when I saw this: